Pineapple Express

[Note: I wrote this over a year ago, then sat on it because it seemed trivial. However, since this blog has been incredibly glitchy for quite some time and I can't find the fricken code I need to contact my host, you'll just have to read a belated review, sans pictures, because hey, that's part of the glitch.]

Normally I refrain from writing movie reviews, primarily because I’m not getting paid for them, but Pineapple Express deserves special attention.

There is the phrase “so bad it’s good,” but this movie does not fall under that description. It borders on unbearable, and a friend of mine who went in stoned (to a stoner movie, natch) came out uncomfortably sober. The movie borrows heavily from genre traditions, much like Simon Pegg’s attempt with Hot Fuzz, and much like Fuzz, Express takes the heterosexual love between the two protagonists to ridiculous levels: to the point where there’s a fully-clothed gay sex scene as the heroes try to escape. The scene is only funny because you know what they’re trying to do, not because it’s actually funny.

Another major shortfall is the lack of chemistry between any of the characters. Most good comedians have the sense to riff off other comedians. The truly gifted ones cast actor/comedians who are funnier than they are, and give them free reign to do their thing. There’s so much wasted talent in Express it’s embarrassing. Gary Cole, (of “Did you get the memo? fame) doesn’t even get a hint of reference to that iconic role. If it was in here, maybe with a coffee cup, or a look, I missed it, and trust me, I was looking for anything beyond what was actually on screen.

Another buried talent was MAD TV’s Bobby Lee, whose first screen appearance is in a darkened room with three other ninjas as they plot death and destruction. He might as well have been billed as Generic Asian #3. He’s got maybe one line, then gets shot in the head. The dude is funny, and he gets tossed aside because Seth Rogen’s absurd rise to “star” power has currently reached Supernova status.

Rogen has moments, but he is a color character, much like Jack Black before he became a lead. Color characters are good as small samples of sorbet between the main course, but when forced down your throat for an entire movie, he gains the undesirable presence of being too much frosting on a cheap cake: you want to take the plastic fork and scrape him off and fling him into the trash. The editor must have thought Rogen was a riot, because from the looks of it, not one second of footage was cut. The scene where Rogen and James Franco (very likable with his moist eyes, indicating gaily at all times that he’d like to jump in Rogen’s lap and become a lap monkey) are stuck in the woods plays out like two junior high friends who found their dad’s video camera. It plays like it was written as a serious scene, but then acted “funny.”

Pineapple Express immediately jumps into the top-ten list of the worst movies ever made. I can’t even name the other nine right now, so let’s just put it at the number one slot until I can remember what’s worse. It’s exhausting in so many ways, mostly because you’re forced to laugh, because hey, it’s a comedy.