Estrogen

It has long been known in the scientific world that frogs are the harbingers of doom.

I watched a frogumentary the other night on Hulu, where one group of scientists were taking some of the remaining amphibians from one area and—by helicopter—relocating them in hopes that they’d propagate in the new area.

That’s one hell of an expensive endeavor on behalf of frogs.

Another group was studying the effluent from farm and urban runoff. Among the fertilizer, pesticides, herbicides and other human schwag was estrogen, which, it was determined, came from human women peeing out excess amounts from their birth control pills.

We are, as Stephen Colbert put it, drinking women’s pee.

The effect this has on the environment is species wide. Frogs, never knowing the Jacuzzi’s getting hotter, while simultaneously being unwitting little spongy indicators, are the first to experience abnormalities. Multiple legs, lack of legs, tweaked heads, or male frogs with eggs, who actually give birth to offspring that can reproduce. Fish, too, are morphing—it ain’t just mercury anymore.

At the high end of the food chain, human male embryos are also hybridizing. They too, carry eggs, along with their bits and pieces.

Years ago DDT came along and got rid of that pesky fruit fly, but the pesticide had the annoying side effect of weakening the shells of pelicans. Then we introduced genetically modified crops that were impervious to certain insects. This strain of plant morphed into the weeds, and the weeds hybridized to become Super Weeds, inviolable to the current methods.

Now, Monsante, which essentially owns the concept of corn and soy, are genetically modifying their seeds so that by 2030 the crop yield will triple. They’re doing this by incorporating bug genes, most likely flies, for their rapid gestation period, and maybe spider genes for their “unbreakable” exoskeletons. Impervious corn on the cob every seven days within 20 years.

There’s nothing wrong with eating that, though, is there? I mean, all this other “safe” stuff, released at incredibly high volumes, was fine. Dying pelicans, gestating males, and tortillas that are mold proof for up to six months.

So the birth control corporations didn’t know about this excess estrogen in women’s pee? We’re only just now discovering it never leaves the system? Estrogen makes it all the way through the sewage treatment plants and back into the water system that we end up drinking. I always knew that women were crazy strong warrior humans (primarily because they are infused with their natural levels of estrogen) but now we’re going to have a whole generation of hybridized shemales. I suppose we could use them to increase the ranks of new soldiers. With a few modifications they could give birth to impervious, egg holding marines every seven days.

What do the Global Warming naysayers counter this one with, that the frogs are stupid and should get out of the water? All I know for certain is I won’t be taking that male birth control pill anytime soon.