Sarah Palin Is: The Stepford Wife

 

Charles Gibson and Sarah Palin sit down to a very intimate interview to determine the future fate of the world. Secretly, Gibson is the programmer from The Stepford Wives, and Palin probably already is one.

 

CHARLIE GIBSON

Well Sarah, I just need you to speak into the microphone here and go through this entire dictionary of elementary words like “A,” “bus,” “carrot,” and read them all the way until you reach “zulu.”

SARAH PALIN

Charlie, would you like some coffee? I don’t know if you take it black or with cream. I milk my own cows, you know.

CHARLIE GIBSON

Ah, no, the studio will provide coffee if you would like some, but I’d like to ask where you stand on foreign policy. Americans would like to feel safe at home, knowing that the leader of the free world has an understanding of where the Middle East is.

SARAH PALIN

There really is no place like home, Charlie. In fact, one of my five children drew me a picture of a unicorn just the other day, and I thought, ‘Gosh, what would those fine god-fearing people in the Midwest think about this drawing?’ The closest I could get to an immediate answer was to ask my neighbor, a foreigner (he’s black). He offered me some blueberries.

CHARLIE GIBSON

Right. Um, so what do you think of the Bush Doctrine?

SARAH PALIN

I think George Bush is wonderful, and I think God is wonderful. Do you believe in God, Charlie? Because if you don’t, God is going to strip you naked for wallowing with whoremongers, then kill you, carve his initials in your chest, cast you in bronze and place you outside his front door to use you as an ornament and a lesson to the Godless heathens.

CHARLIE GIBSON

Wow, that’s quite frightening how wide your eyes get when you say that, and, excuse me for saying so, but you’re drooling from the side of your mouth.

SARAH PALIN

You’ll burn forever in a fiery lake of Hell. Did I tell you that, Charlie? God loves you, though. Do you want some brownies? They’re fresh out of the oven. I just love my brownies. I’m a really good wife, too, and I can kill and skin my own moose. What foreign policy covers that, hmm?

CHARLIE GIBSON

Yeah, yeah. Boy, you really are a nutball, hmm? Has it dawned on you yet that I’m more qualified to run this country than you are? I’m a reporter, Sarah.

SARAH PALIN

Oh! You used my first name. I love that. My husband calls me by my first name. He’s really good on a snowmobile.

CHARLIE GIBSON

(rubbing his face in exasperation)

Oh dear lord, we’re fucked.

SARAH PALIN

Well, if you do, make sure to keep the child. God loves all children, except for those that he doesn’t. Those he kills forever after he carves his initials in their flesh.

CHARLES GIBSON

Okay, we’re done here. Thank you for showcasing how truly unprepared you are to run this country, and by that same account how painfully blind fucking stupid the American populace is to still be so closely clueless as to which candidate they want to explode in the oval office.

SARAH PALIN

Thank you, Charlie. Did I tell you I can see Russia from my house?

CHARLES GIBSON

Just, stop. Please. Stop talking.