October 2014
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Monsanto Protection Act


What happens when real world events take on the elements of a dystopian future? In Soylent Green, for instance, the public is suppressed under a totalitarian government and placated by images of “wild” animals when it’s time to move on to greener pastures and on to Marble Town.

The sad thing is this is currently happening. We watch Animal Planet to get our fix on meerkats and lions: creatures in locations most of the human populace will never see in their lifetime. So what happens when seemingly commonplace events occur that aren’t really movie worthy, like a field of Monsanto patented genetically modified wheat showing up unannounced on an Oregon farm?

It’s closer to a deadly viral strain escaping from a top-secret government compound like a what-if horror scenario in a Stephen King novel.

The Roundup Ready wheat was discontinued . . . → Read More: Monsanto Protection Act

Yelling At Children


I told you to brush your teeth!

Or is it screaming at kids?

I read an opinion piece in a new Santa Barbara rag called The Sentinel. It was written by a Hope Ranch mother who yells at her kids the commands for everything from ‘get to bed,’ to ‘finish your dinner.’ Every element of the day in her world is so elevated that simple speaking isn’t sufficient. My initial reaction upon reading this was this woman is insane and should be muzzled (and the letters responding to the piece the following week said about the same thing.)

It was obviously intended to be humorous and let off a little steam. If you’ve ever dealt with kids you probably know that pure reason and appeals to calmness are pretty much out the window. It’s all about bribes and fear . . . → Read More: Yelling At Children

Freaky Yoga Lady


Yes, I traced it. But pretty good, no?

“I’ll teach them yoga.” The substitute teacher from San Francisco said this with a revelatory light in her dark eyes. “I don’t know what to do—usually there are sub plans.”

“Well,” I offered, “Special Ed. is different. You just have to step in and make your presence known. These kids are different.”

She stares out at the small group. Seniors sit on the sidelines playing multiplayer games on their iPhones. Several freshman students sit stooped over their backpacks, staring at the wall. Most are not doing any work, and sit talking about who knows what.

Her brown eyes are unblinking. She wears a grey/blue trenchcoat that is weighted like a shirt. Silk, maybe. Or linen. Without blinking she stands up straight.

“There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

I think for a . . . → Read More: Freaky Yoga Lady

Fraternal Twins


These two old bitties look like fun.


Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is the only woman to have ever held the post. Former US track and field athlete and former Olympian Bruce Jenner is the only female to ever be married to the Kardashian matriarch.

The two fraternal twins were separated at birth as part of a fiendish experiment to see who would lose the most self-respect. So far Jenner is winning, as political figures generally can’t stop the media from reporting about bladder growths, but conjecturing about seating status at a basketball game? Natch.

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Gun Control

A very useful weapon for hunting pheasant.

Remember when shooting things was good fun and nobody got hurt?

Adam Lanza borrowed his mother’s guns, then shot her. The problem isn’t guns, it’s parenting. Violent acts committed by people are generally not rooted in violent video games, violent movies, or bloody television. If that were the case we’d have a nation of lunatics, and with the ratio of guns to population on basically a one to one basis, we’d all be dead by now.

If we mandated that all violent media was removed and were left with conversational movie dramas, Lifetime and Hallmark after school specials, and video games were relegated back to the innocence of Pac Man and Pong—we would still have psychopaths who would decide that killing a bunch of innocent people is a really good idea.

Now, if we removed guns? That might eliminate . . . → Read More: Gun Control